A Love Letter Over 30 Years in the Making

Photo by  Thought Catalog

It's my birthday this weekend.

And as a gift to myself, I decided to write a love letter.

This love letter is over 30 years in the making.

This person has been in my life forever.

She has been my best friend.

And she has been my worst enemy.

She has been my cheerleader.

And she has been a hurtful critic.

She has made me laugh.

And she has made me cry.

But through it all, she's helped me become who I am today.

She deserves this love letter.

She's waited a long fucking time for it.

I need to get it all out on the table.

And she needs to know how I truly feel about her.

Here it goes...

First off, I want to say I love you.

Even though we've had somewhat of a love / hate relationship, love always comes out on top.

You've been my best friend. 

No matter what has happened, you've been there when I truly needed you.

Even in the darkest days, you whispered about hopes and dreams to inspire me to more.

If I'm honest with myself, you've always been there for me - whether it's to encourage me, or to call me out on my bullshit.

But you've also been my worst enemy at times.

Like when Dan died and I didn't know how to deal with losing a parent, so you told me the best way to handle things was for me to drink my way through it.

If you're drunk, then you don't have to deal with it.

I listened to you.

And today, I choose to forgive you for that incredibly shitty advice.

Because you simply told me all you knew at that time.

You wanted what you thought was best for me.

To numb the pain.

You've also been my cheerleader.

Like our trip to BC, where you convinced me to spend the summer with my brother, and get a change of scenery.

"Trust me, this will help", you said.

And it did.

That summer was when you helped pull me from the depths of my darkness, and show me all the amazing things the world had to offer.

You cheered me on as I rose from the ashes of my old self, and stepped into a totally different woman.

And yet, after going through that, you've still been a hurtful critic sometimes.

You've said words to me that I wouldn't dare say out loud to anyone else.

And today, I choose to forgive you, because you didn't really mean it.

You were scared and insecure.

You didn't know any better.

But now you do.

You have made me laugh.

Oh man, have you made me laugh!

We share laughs that no one else would even understand.

They would probably think we're crazy - but that's okay, because we're living true to ourselves.

And we're hilarious.

Yet still, you've also made me cry.

You've told me I'm not good enough.

That I won't be able to be successful.

That no one cares what I have to say.

And today, I choose to forgive you, because you were trying to keep me playing small.

You thought that with success, I'd change into someone else.

Someone you didn't recognize anymore.

And you know what?

You're right.

I'm not the same person.

And neither are you.

Throughout this adventure we call life, we've grown into something much more than we realized we could be.

And despite it all - whether it's been love or it's been hate - we've been inseparable.

And today, I choose to shower you with gratitude and love.

Because now, you choose to stand up for me when you know I'm not standing up for myself.

You choose love, over hate.

And I do too.

With everything we've been through, we deserve to be happy.

We deserve to be living this amazing life.

Knowing that our past does not determine our future.

This authentic relationship we have now...

This was worth the wait.

And today I choose to thank you, because you encouraged me to follow my passion of healing women who have that bullshit mindset we used to have.

It was you who told me I could do it. 

Who made me believe in myself.

You are the one who stepped up, to be a light for me, so I can be a light for other women.

You are the driving force behind everything I do.

I love you.

And I know I don't tell you that enough.

You've been patient for me to forgive you.

You've been patient in waiting to accept the praise you deserve.

This may have been 30 years in the making...

But it was worth the wait.

And I promise you...

The hate is gone.

There is only love for you now.

I truly love you.

So there it is.

All out on the table.

I've finally authentically honoured our relationship.

In this love letter.

30 years in the making.

This love letter.

To myself.